Is there space in loving relationships for conceptual thinking?

This is a question for someone out there.

To what extent is it appropriate to use conceptual thinking to help with relationships between people. Is that a bit freaky or is it a useful way to engage with the messiness of love, life and longing?

I ask because I have been thinking about both of these areas a lot recently and I am just a little tempted to apply some of my conceptual thinking to current affairs of the heart. I've not done so in earnest yet, because of a little nagging feeling that this is 'not on', that I'd be somehow denigrating the ineffable world of love by attempting to apply some structured way of thinking about it. Right now the particular field of ideas that's got me thinking is that of modelling and systems dynamics (systems dynamics is an approach to making sense of complex situations using the idea of dynamic feedback).

But before you think I'm completely fruity I think you should know that I'm not totally alone in looking to the world of ideas as an aide to the ephemeral beauties of life. Some of my favourite writers, researchers and thinkers have used the ideas from the sciences of systems thinking to explore the world of relationships. Bateson (both the father and daughter) and Paul Watzlawick have written about relationships using ideas from systems thinking - ideas to do with cybernitics, communication and control, feedback processes and so on. And I have found their insights fascinating and really helpful.

For example, Watzlawick has uses a wonderful example of a a boy and girl in relationship with each other to exemplify paradoxical communication and differences in logical types. He says that all communication has a content element and a relationship element; sometimes these two things get confused or mixed up leading to paradoxes that seemingly trap the people involved. Take for example, the suggestion by a lover to his partner to "be more spontaneous". Its a lovely thought...

"you know, I think its great that you like routines and I do love the fact that everyday for the past 14years we've had cornflakes/uttapam/gari/wheatgrass juice (delete as appropriate) for breakfast but could you try to something different. I mean just be a bit spontaneous."

Lovely stuff. But our cornflake eating friend is now faced with a bit of a dilemma. Maybe he likes cornflakes for breakfast everyday. And maybe spontenaity at that time in the morning is not all that fun. But maybe also somewhere deep down he hears his partner's request as not being about what's for breakfast. So, he waits until breakfast the next morning and then decides to swerve wildly off course and have a poached duck's egg with some dhal. There. I've done it; I've been spontaneous. Now he can't say I don't act spontaneously.

Meanwhile, our frankly surprised partner, is wondering how much of this spontaneous change of breakfast was down to a desire to show spontenaity and how much another (more depressing) reflection of his increasinly stagnated lover and relationship.

In describing the scenario, I think Watzlwick pointed out that one person's request of another to be spontaneous leaves the other in a bit of a trap. Anything that is done after that request can't be truly spontaneous since it can all be framed as part of a reaction to the original request; so not spontaneous at all. Unwittingly, he's left his lover with no choice but to fail.

-----
My point is that this whole case and analysis of an everyday relationship situation came from some quite deep engagement about a set of ideas to do with systems thinking. It wasn't simply a bit of advice over a pint of beer but was something worked out as a result of logical principles from a set of ideas (hypotehsis) about how the world might work.

And I think that lots of people use ideas and concepts to think about things in their lives such as friendships, lovers and family. The difference being that these acts of conceptual thinking are rarely seen let alone discussed. If they were made more visible, I think that they could help to make relationships better, warmer.

I'll write more on this soon, promise. But for now, a quick survey to the people out there ('What people?', I hear you say, 'there's no audience out here reading your blog'. Well, who said that then).

Is it appropriate for me to
a) use conceptual thinking to help me understand personal relationships?
b) share my use of conceptual thinking with those who I'm relating to?

yours conceptually in love
r

Climbing Trees with Guru-ji

A couple of months ago I was told by a wise woman that I ought to be weary of guru's and that I may find relationships with them difficult because of 'my nature'. I wasn't entirely sure what she meant by the delicate phrasing - 'my nature' - but when she offered me her words it certainly struck a chord....

I have tended to adopt a quite a sceptical attitude towards people who act and are treated as if they are gurus. I'm aware that gurus are jointly and dynamically 'created' through and in relationship (in the same way that someone or thing on taking a parent-type role in a relationship requires the other to be take on a child-type role). And yet, still I've found myself surprised, intrigued and sometimes even upset by the faith that some people seem to have for their guru. I've sometimes felt disturbed by the relative difficulty I have in associating with such figures compared with others; am I lacking in sufficient humility or respect? This tension has increased a little recently, as I've discovered that in some traditions, the role of the guru is regarded as quite important in the context of an individual's own spiritual or developmental journey.

The other day I had a image come to me that has helped me understand the tension I encounter a little bit better. I rolled the internal picture forward a few frames and here's the movie that played:

A man - thin, wiry, dark - is climbing a tree (its not a broad and sturdy English oak or a sparkling spruce; maybe its more like a coconut tree. Yes, that's it – a coconut or palm tree of some sort, swaying in a warm ocean breeze). The chap is climbing the tree, steadily and surely.

Now, the image splits into two separate films.

In one film, as our hero works his way up the tree and we see another fellow above him, climbing this same tree. As he clambers ever higher, debris falls down. Our wiry man barely notices the leaves and twigs falling down. But the leading climber eventually knocks a big fat, green coconut off. Down it tumbles. It hits a branch just above Wireman and whistles past his face. Huh. The grip is less certain now. It looks a long way down and it suddenly seems as if the momentum has changed direction – what goes up....

His guru calls down and Wireman dares to look up. Its easy, he calls. You just need to keep going. Motivational stuff from up there. Listen, bhaiya, positive mental attitude is needed to reach such altitude. Beneficient smile, sweetness and might. You can't be thinking negative thoughts now. Believe me, I did it. Come, yar. Come.

Wireman looks up and then pushes off with his right foot. He misses his footing and for a moment, he's a-gone-a....

Cut to...

Wireman 2.

Its not a sequel or prequel. More like a para-quel. Another story, another vision. Same lighting. Wireman is climbing the tree. Steadily and surely. And the guru is also climbing, sending down his debris. But what's this? The shot pans out....Its not the same tree at all. They're on different trees. And our wiry fellow is making his way up, without those kind gifts from guru-ji's showering down upon him. He looks over to his friend, who seems to be climbing high, and then looks up to the top of his tree. Oh, that's far. How on earth...He notices a sturdy looking branch, sticking out to the side and its within reach. Perhaps, I'll just aim for that one and then have a little rest.

As I said above, I have had a tense relationship with guru-type figures in the past. It not that I've had any conflicts with them; its all internal, as I struggle to know how to engage with their experience, intelligence, insights and so on.

I've wondered whether the source of the tension is my education. Damn, education. Somewhere along the line, I learnt something that is often known as 'critical thinking'. Doubt, doubt, question, doubt, doubt. Its lovely two-step dance. Try it some time. Doubt, doubt, question, doubt, doubt. I'm sure many of you already have. Doubt, doubt, question, doubt, doubt.

The screening of these two films in my head have given me a new angle on the difficulties I have relating to guru-type figures. I've realised that its not that I'm not willing to be inspired or that I lack humility. Its not that at all.

The second film works shows me a healthier way of relating to people who have worked hard and seem to have have gone further.

Its like this. Instead of following someone else up The Tree, its more helpful for me to see that we're each of us on different trees. We're both still connected, through the shared act of our climbing and there's a lot for me to learn from looking over. The challenges we encounter are somewhat similar but altogether different as well. Its my tree, adapted for (and, perhaps even, adapting to) me and my particular clumsiness.

And the guru, we'll he or she is a different kind of person altogether; she's no longer inadvertently sending down her own debris for me to deal with. In fact, she's mainly busy getting on with her own tree and debris.

Does this make sense or have I got the wrong end of the stick? Are there any wise women, sages or guru's out there who can let me know how wrong I've got this all?

work...its a laugh

It’s funny. I walked in to work this morning having had a delightful start to the day and I’m writing this because I’m sad that the delight has gone so easily.

I woke up naturally and early. I knew that I would wake in the morning with a newly discovered shadow of my body after the yoga class last night, where we stretched and breathed our way into new forms. It was a pleasant aching that I felt. The radio happened to be tuned to Radio 3 –and the easy tension of classical music sat well with the feeling in my body. I had a leisurely breakfast - alone for a while and then joined by my brother, sister-in-law and nephew. I walked outside and tended to a few of the vegetable plants – nothing heavy, just a little bit of TLC. I walked down to the train station with plenty of time and found myself on the platform with a few moments of silence to stop and stare. I stared. On the train I sat for a while and I then pulled out my current read – a rather large book about the history of work that has just started engaging my attention. Toward the end of the journey I leafed through some notes and had a moment of inspiration about some pending task at work. I noted down my thoughts and sat back satisfied. I took the early stop on the train so I would have the slightly longer walk into the office along some quiet side streets.

I walked the half mile at a pace but steadily and consciously. Opposing fore-finger and thumb.
And then onto the main street behind the office.
Round the corner.

I’m getting my key fob out and waving it in front of the security sensor. And now I’m in the office. I walk up the stairs. And then suddenly I am here. In a now increasingly familiar place that feels…..

A couple of colleagues are already at their desks, typing away and looking industrious. I say hello and hear a hello back. But there is more than hello that I hear. I hear something like ‘we’re busy working’. I stop myself from saying anything further. I don’t share my calm. I don’t feel they want my energy. It would get in the way of the productivity. Efficiency and accountability has cold voice.

I walk away quietly, quickly to the toilet to wash my possibly H1N1 infected hands. Time to get on. It’s not so funny now.

a bedtime story

I'm feeling bruised by an encounter today. So bruised that I've been awake since 3am. My mind has been whirring away trying to apply some tlc to the black and blue inside. And this post is the noise being emitted from that dodgy computer fan as it has been trying to cool my head down in these early hours.

Okay, Rupesh. So what happened?

Wellll...

I had been preparing some work for a few days. In my head it was a reasonable important thing. Anyway, I was supposed to get some feedback on it today. I certainly got the feedback and it felt the ususal sliced white sandwich feedback.....you know a meaty bit of bad surrounded two slices of white which just seemed to be there to highlight the importance of the stuff in the middle.

After hearing these thoughts about my work, I left feeling hurt and bruised. I felt like a victim of someone else's dealings. I started wondering why that person didn't seem to care, didn't even seem to recognise that I might be not feeling that great.

On the one hand I could not quite imagine this person really being this great ogre that I was picturing her as. And yet, on the other hand, my experience of being affected by this, of being hurt and injured was pretty real. The whole afternoon, I had been walking around a bit like a teary child who was ready to fall into a boxing rage having been sent to the naughty corner.

Early this morning I woke up with a few aches and started wondering about this. How was it that this person had not seen the hurt that I was going through? And how is it that people in power always seem to be oblivious to the hurt they cause other people? Surely there was a time when they didn't have power and got hurt. How can people forget this?

I got to thinking about some stuff that I had been reading about language and communication recently (in fact the same stuff I had been reading in preparation for the work).

One of the writers I had been reading is a guy called Lakoff. He talks about the powerful role of metaphor in our language and how our lives can end up being influenced by them. For example, if we talk about sending a message to hit a target, then we're setting up our communcation to be defined by this underlying image of some kind of battle between opposing forces. He suggests that this is not just a nice parallel, but that the metaphors we use end up actually organising us, our families, organisations, schools etc. They influence what we think is good, and right and correct. In a booklet (written in XXX) addressed to American progressives, he suggests that the conservatives have successfully used some ways of talking to inspire people to believe in their values. He goes on to talk about the power of certain types of story, which seem to exist in the American culture. Most of these stories, he suggests, are defined by the having three important elements - a victim, an aggressor and a hero.

(I think this is a line of thinking that can be linked to the work of the cultural anthropologist, Joseph Campbell, who proposed that there were some seven major types of stories that can be seen human cultures traced across both time and geography.)

Back to my experiences today. There I was merely trying to do my best for the organisation, indeed thinking that I had something substantial to offer, when along came someone who just put out the flame, and then shot me down for good measure. After all of this had happened, I had come home on the train thinking simply how nice it would have been to have someone to hug.

So, there we have it - the myth in real time, right. Me the victim of someone else's nasty oppression, with the dream of a loved one to be my hero.

But as I was going over this in my head this morning, I started wondering whether perhaps the aggressor in my story was simply that or whether something more complex was going on. I mean was it possible that she was as uncaring as this role required her to be.

The story about her and I...aggressor and victim is quite helpful in one way. That way I get to be right, loving and complex and she gets to be...well, it doesn't matter that much - aggressor. End of.

But is it not possible that she was perhaps also a victim - perhaps not in that situation but sometime somewhere else. I argued with myself for a while on this one...she's got more power, so she should be more conscious. I would have been much more caring towards the other person if I had been in her position. I thought to myself that I would remember this lesson and when I was in a similar situation I would make sure that the other person didn't feel that way.

But wait on there just one second partner. Is it really possible that she's there to hurt me. That all the times I get hurt, someone on the other side is a bit of an aggressor who's fighting me. The numbers just don't seem to add up. If half of us get hurt once, then that makes the other half aggressors right. But everyone seems to have been the victim of someone else at some point. So where are these pure evil doers who never get hurt by some else?

Suddenly, I realised that I'm trapped by the story. That the only way I was looking at the situation was through this set of characters. Quickly, I started going through other possible stories. But it was hard. They all seemed to require this victim, hero and aggressor story.

What other stories are there?

Well, to me there seem to be a couple of potential other ones out there. In my head these sound a bit balmy, so I'm not sure what's going to happen when I put them down on paper...but lets see what happens.

One of the oldest stories is that we're just all going somewhere. I mean, its the journey of the traveller. It implies that we're not static, that we're not just sitting here as fully formed statues but that we that we are work in progress all the time going somewhere a bit unknown, but going somewhere. Some would say that we are more verbs than nouns...less human beings and more "human becomings". You might also think about that in wider circles - families, cultures and societies, ecosystems and universes. They are just all becomings.

I'm quite attracted to this idea at 4.30 in the morning. It means that I'm giving some sense of possibility back to the nasty ogre...and also freeing myself up from having to always be in the fight or flight mode. I think this is the reason why sometimes people talk about such and such being a teaching. My aggressor today was not so much an aggressor, but she was instead a teaching. And perhaps for her I was also a teaching.

Another one works with the image of a poet or dancer. Its quite similar to the becoming story - about composing something, perhaps improvising with what you have and what is around you, drawing inspiration from this and then expressing with creativity and not knowing. An extension to this story is a group of dancers, collectively improvising something out together.

And perhaps bringing these together - the becoming, the poet and the group...perhaps another story is about a circus of travelling bards.

Right, I think I'm getting a little sleepy now. I guess my last thought on this right now is how pervasive and easy that fight story is - the one with the victim, hero and all. I'm not sure that sometimes its not actually quite helpful. But, it also seems to me to have to much of a grip on my imagination sometimes. I think for now, I'm just going to try and notice where it crops up in my head or in my language...and perhaps occasionally, I'll tell myself another story to drift off to sleep. Night night.

Shawls from Ranikhet

Here is a little video about showing how shawls are made in a small workshop in Ranikhet.

Uttrayan...flying kites in Ahmedabad

This is a little video that I made a month or so back. A sequence of computing problems have prevented me from posting this. I'm hoping now that this will work.

The video was shot in Ahmedabad on 14th January by my flat mate Aaron and I...

And here are some links on how to make your own kites:

http://www.skratch-pad.com/kites/make.html

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Kite-Out-of-a-Plastic-Bag

http://www.making-and-flying-kites.com/

monsters

Hey....I've got a special treat for some of you. I'm thinking especially about Rohan and Dhruv, but I reckon someone in Bristol might enjoy this as well:




This line of lorries is regularly parked up on this one roadside in Ahmedabad...they come from all over the state and country, dropping, picking up, shifting and loading. I only captured about a half of the line of lorries in the clip...

I've hitched a couple lifts going from place to place for work...here's a picture from the inside of one of these beasts:




Rupesh

ps I wrote this blog about two months ago and have just figured out a way to post it...So fingers crossed that you can see it! If you get the video and it works well for you, let me know and I can do more....