This is a question for someone out there.
To what extent is it appropriate to use conceptual thinking to help with relationships between people. Is that a bit freaky or is it a useful way to engage with the messiness of love, life and longing?
I ask because I have been thinking about both of these areas a lot recently and I am just a little tempted to apply some of my conceptual thinking to current affairs of the heart. I've not done so in earnest yet, because of a little nagging feeling that this is 'not on', that I'd be somehow denigrating the ineffable world of love by attempting to apply some structured way of thinking about it. Right now the particular field of ideas that's got me thinking is that of modelling and systems dynamics (systems dynamics is an approach to making sense of complex situations using the idea of dynamic feedback).
But before you think I'm completely fruity I think you should know that I'm not totally alone in looking to the world of ideas as an aide to the ephemeral beauties of life. Some of my favourite writers, researchers and thinkers have used the ideas from the sciences of systems thinking to explore the world of relationships. Bateson (both the father and daughter) and Paul Watzlawick have written about relationships using ideas from systems thinking - ideas to do with cybernitics, communication and control, feedback processes and so on. And I have found their insights fascinating and really helpful.
For example, Watzlawick has uses a wonderful example of a a boy and girl in relationship with each other to exemplify paradoxical communication and differences in logical types. He says that all communication has a content element and a relationship element; sometimes these two things get confused or mixed up leading to paradoxes that seemingly trap the people involved. Take for example, the suggestion by a lover to his partner to "be more spontaneous". Its a lovely thought...
"you know, I think its great that you like routines and I do love the fact that everyday for the past 14years we've had cornflakes/uttapam/gari/wheatgrass juice (delete as appropriate) for breakfast but could you try to something different. I mean just be a bit spontaneous."
Lovely stuff. But our cornflake eating friend is now faced with a bit of a dilemma. Maybe he likes cornflakes for breakfast everyday. And maybe spontenaity at that time in the morning is not all that fun. But maybe also somewhere deep down he hears his partner's request as not being about what's for breakfast. So, he waits until breakfast the next morning and then decides to swerve wildly off course and have a poached duck's egg with some dhal. There. I've done it; I've been spontaneous. Now he can't say I don't act spontaneously.
Meanwhile, our frankly surprised partner, is wondering how much of this spontaneous change of breakfast was down to a desire to show spontenaity and how much another (more depressing) reflection of his increasinly stagnated lover and relationship.
In describing the scenario, I think Watzlwick pointed out that one person's request of another to be spontaneous leaves the other in a bit of a trap. Anything that is done after that request can't be truly spontaneous since it can all be framed as part of a reaction to the original request; so not spontaneous at all. Unwittingly, he's left his lover with no choice but to fail.
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My point is that this whole case and analysis of an everyday relationship situation came from some quite deep engagement about a set of ideas to do with systems thinking. It wasn't simply a bit of advice over a pint of beer but was something worked out as a result of logical principles from a set of ideas (hypotehsis) about how the world might work.
And I think that lots of people use ideas and concepts to think about things in their lives such as friendships, lovers and family. The difference being that these acts of conceptual thinking are rarely seen let alone discussed. If they were made more visible, I think that they could help to make relationships better, warmer.
I'll write more on this soon, promise. But for now, a quick survey to the people out there ('What people?', I hear you say, 'there's no audience out here reading your blog'. Well, who said that then).
Is it appropriate for me to
a) use conceptual thinking to help me understand personal relationships?
b) share my use of conceptual thinking with those who I'm relating to?
yours conceptually in love
r
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